Weird News Weekly Dispatch – Episode 3: Icebreakers, Cat Couriers, and Blessed Bank Cards
Marina Starovoitova
A woman has, for the first time in history, been appointed captain of a nuclear-powered icebreaker. Marina Starovoitova has taken command of the Yamal: the fourth largest icebreaker in the world, equipped with two nuclear reactors whose combined power would be enough to supply a city of 150,000 people.
Cold waters, warm progress.
rbc.ru
Pets vs. Progeny: New Legislative Math
Russian lawmakers want to ban citizens from owning more pets than they have children. The “optimal” rule would allow one dog and one cat per family, provided there are at least two children. State Duma deputies believe such a norm should be established at the federal level.
So the government won’t raise your kids, but they’ll definitely count your cats.
sibnovosti.ru
Single Hippo, Thanks to Sanctions
Sanctions have left Eva the hippo from Yekaterinburg all alone. A male from the Czech Republic can’t be brought in for her.
Geopolitics: making even hippo dating impossible.
kommersant.ru
Clairvoyance Can’t Predict Everything
A participant of two seasons of “Battle of Psychics” died in a car accident in Thailand. The clairvoyant is survived by his wife and five children.
Artur Mikberidze suffered a severe lung injury when he fell off a motorcycle. His wife said that recently they had been living in Thailand because there “the Universe itself supported them.”
Artur was also a psychologist who promoted his “own methods” of extrasensory practices. Together with his clairvoyant wife, they taught people channeling (a practice of connecting with higher forces, angels, or even one’s subconscious) and other supernatural abilities, all conducted online.
Sadly, even psychics don’t always see what’s coming.
kp.media
Cat Courier Caught in the Act
A drug courier cat with marijuana hidden in its collar was caught near a prison in the Nizhny Novgorod region. Authorities said it was attempting to deliver the drugs to inmates.
Proof that curiosity doesn’t just kill the cat—it gets it arrested.
ria.ru
Tax the Terminators
Robots in Russia will be forced to pay taxes. The authorities are already discussing the introduction of such a measure. This will help compensate for the loss of insurance contributions due to a reduction in staff numbers. Lawmakers noted that replacing people with working machines should be done in a balanced way and without causing major harm to humans.
Coming soon: robots filing tax returns and asking for deductions on motor oil.
gazeta.ru
Horoscope Over Investment Strategy
A Russian woman won 33 million rubles (about $370,000 USD) after buying the last lottery ticket — all because she trusted her horoscope. The day before, a resident of Chuvashia read an astrological forecast promising financial luck for Libras in August. A couple of weeks earlier, her left hand had also been itching — a traditional sign of incoming money. As a result, she became a multimillionaire. Now she plans to buy an apartment for her children and a country house for herself.
Who needs investment strategies when you’ve got horoscopes and itchy hands?
a42.ru
“Kind Barmalei” — A New Trade Risk?
Russians are being urged not to be afraid of traveling to the Taliban in Afghanistan. According to Oleg Korobchenko, the head of the Ministry of Industry and Trade of Tatarstan, many are hesitant to go to Afghanistan because the Taliban are portrayed as terrifying villains—barmalei (a slang term for evil bandits). “In reality, they are kind barmalei,” he noted.
Tourism slogan of the year: “Taliban — kinder than you think!”
moscowtimes.ru
Blessed Bank Cards: Spending with Salvation?
The Russian Orthodox Church has officially allowed Russians to have their bank cards blessed. However, priests warn that this won’t automatically bring wealth — one must take finances seriously. They advise against spending money on trivial or foolish things and recommend changing one’s attitude toward money. Only with inner change will a blessed card begin to bring benefits.
Contactless payments, now with divine protection.
absatz.media
Adultery Fines: Because Marriage Needs Numbers
Russians may soon face fines for adultery and abandoning children — 15,000–20,000 rubles (about $165–$220 USD) for infidelity and 50,000 rubles (about $550 USD) for each abandoned child. Borodin, head of the FPBK, believes that all symbols of family values in the country have been devalued, since there is currently no punishment for such misconduct.
Nothing says “family values” like paying a fine for cheating.
glavny.tv
Deputies Need Mind Checks, Too
In Russia, there’s a proposal to check State Duma deputies for mental fitness. Psychologist Zara Arutyunyan stated that the 450 people whose decisions affect the lives of all Russians should undergo open quarterly evaluations, just like teachers and preschool staff do. Currently, deputies are not required to provide a certificate from a psychiatric clinic, sadly.
Finally, a policy 100 % of Russians might agree on.
glavny.tv
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