Weird News Weekly Dispatch – Episode 2: Cheburek Diplomacy, Banned Words, Kvass Pops, and Robot Hostage
🥟 Putin, Steve Witkoff, and the Legendary Cheburek
We kick things off with the Kremlin’s latest high-profile guest: American real estate developer Steve Witkoff. Before meeting Vladimir Putin, Russian media breathlessly reported on what was clearly the real diplomatic headline of the day — Witkoff’s breakfast.
Photo by depositphotos.com
Not just any breakfast, mind you, but a cheburek — a deep-fried turnover filled with minced meat and onions, beloved across Russia and Central Asia. Imagine a crispy, golden pastry the size of your face, dripping with juice — and now imagine nine Russian news outlets covering it like it was a state secret.
The meeting itself? Secondary. The cheburek? Front-page material. Some outlets even revealed the price: 500 rubles (about $5.75). Why did Witkoff meet Putin? Officially, business and international investment. Unofficially, maybe to experience the true Russian handshake — the one between man and fried dough.
⚖ Russia Bans a Slur (But Not Everywhere)
In Ulan-Ude, a woman has been fined 10,000 rubles (about $110 USD) for repeatedly using the derogatory term “khokhol” to insult a neighbor in a group chat. Linguistic experts confirmed it as inciting hatred toward Ukrainians, and the Supreme Court of Buryatia upheld the ruling.
Curiously, the same word still pops up on state TV and from certain members of parliament. Apparently, in Russia, some words are banned… unless you have your own news show.
🏡 Muscovites Head for the Hills
Fed up with the high cost of living and urban chaos, Muscovites are packing up and moving to the regions — Kaluga, Tver, and beyond. Around 70,000 properties outside the capital have been registered in the last six months.
Some call it “remote work freedom.” Others call it “back to the grassroots, whether you like it or not.”
🍦 Kvass on a Stick
Russia now has kvass-flavored ice cream — at 25 rubles (about $0.28 USD) a pop. For the uninitiated, kvass is a traditional fermented drink made from rye bread, with a taste somewhere between malty soda and a very mild beer. It’s the sort of flavor that could divide a room instantly: half will smile nostalgically, half will wonder why their dessert tastes like a malt soda.
📱 Tyumen Man Scores 30 iPhones for 30 Cents
In a true David vs. Corporate Goliath moment, a man from Tyumen managed to buy 30 iPhones for 5 rubles each (about $0.06 USD) due to a website glitch. The seller refused to ship, but he took them to court — and won. Not only will he get the iPhones, he’ll also receive 10,000 rubles (about $115 USD) in moral damages. Somewhere, an accountant is weeping.
🤖 Hostage Crisis — by Robot Vacuum
A woman in Russia found herself trapped in the bathroom when her robot vacuum knocked over a folding chair in the hallway, blocking the door. Rescue workers had to climb through a window to free her.
It’s official: humanity’s robot overlords have started with small, humiliating power plays.
🏊 Hair-Raising Pool Incident
In Moscow, a 12-year-old girl nearly drowned after her hair got sucked into a pool drain. She was freed after 30 terrifying seconds thanks to her mother and a quick-thinking pool worker. Prosecutors are now investigating safety standards.
It’s a chilling reminder that sometimes, life imitates the strangest movie death scenes — the ones you thought could never actually happen.
🔋 Batteries Not Included (In Common Sense)
Doctors in Ufa removed four AA batteries from a man’s rectum after he decided they’d give him “a boost of energy.” Alcohol was involved. Surprisingly, this wasn’t a viral TikTok challenge — just a very literal interpretation of “powering up.”
⛪ Orthodox Church: Women to Blame for Male Alcoholism
Father Valery Soskovets of the Russian Orthodox Church declared that male alcoholism often happens when “a woman becomes the head of the household.” His solution? Women should choose a man they’re willing to follow.
Because obviously, it’s not the drinking, the culture, or the lack of support systems — it’s just women running the vacuum and the budget. Cheers to that divine logic.
✈ The Return of the “Cocaine” Plane
A “cocaine” plane is flying from Russia to Alaska for the upcoming Putin–Trump meeting, carrying a Russian delegation. Seven years ago, this very aircraft appeared in photos released by Argentine police, when nearly 400 kilograms of cocaine were seized at the Russian Embassy in Buenos Aires. It is believed the drugs were delivered to Argentina aboard this same plane.
Because nothing says “diplomatic relations” quite like arriving in a jet with a true crime backstory.
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